As a child, staying in your divorced parent’s meth-lab every weekend teaches you one thing—being an addict is okay. Sex is my personal drug of choice. So go ON with yo bad self. Daps for daddy issues.
Let’s be honest with one another, fucking is the single greatest thing ever invented apart from deep-fried oreos and deep-dish pizza. Sex to me is like a weekly Vicodin prescription for my feeble grandmother—without it, I’d probably do something weird like rob a Wingstop or spend my next three paychecks on Flinstone’s chewables to take the edge off. Sex is euphoric. And since I, and all the other ladies out there like me, hold ourselves to a euphoric and highly-standardized lifestyle… we need our fix.
Unfortunately, fucking has its downfalls. With anyone, that is. I don’t care if you’re Vernon Davis or Usher Raymond. Sure, I’d drop saving a puppy out of a burning building any day of the week to roast your sausage in my burning building, but even fucking someone on the Forbes Hot 100 list is going to shelter the identical blows as fucking some burn-out in college. These are the things that blow about sex.
1. Don’t Touch My Head: Every classy girl knows how to deep-throat. So when I’m giving you head, please remember that my shit is like a symphony. You can’t rush an art form. In other words, please do not use your hands to forcefully shove my head down your penis. WE WILL GET THERE. Stop being an impatient motherfucker. And unless you plan on massaging my sore neck when we’re done, keep your grimey hands off this hair. Never touch the hair.
2. Perfume de Ballsack: Unfortunately and without fail, you’re going to smell like a dirty ballsack at the end of your rounds. In a perfect world, ballsacks from here to Timbuktu would smell like Hawaiian Febreze and not like a seventh grader’s armpit dumped in sewage. Oh well, sex isn’t supposed to be cute.
3. Condoms: Nobody likes babies or diseases that make your vagina look like the Hulk’s, so God’s punishment to man is the holy condom. Nobody likes that shit. But if you’re gonna have your pie and eat it too, obviously you’re gonna have to go to the gym. Life is full of shitty trade-offs.
4. You Should Have 3 Dicks: Every guy’s manhood is like a 6 year-old girl. Once you’re rough on it enough to get the job done, that shit is sensitive. The majority of guys aren’t willing to go three, four, five rounds without breaks, since they’ve already blown their load so much that even touching their scepter would get you kicked out of the fucking palace. Yeah, get two more. Sincerely, the female population. More is more.
5. Get off Your Ass and Shower Before I Destroy You: I don’t care if you’re a fucking booty call. Shower your shit or don’t bother coming over. Most guys show up like a Goodwill child. That shit is not cute. I always smell like Kim Kardashian, so please do your part.
6.The Inevitable Athlete’s Sweat: There’s really nothing either of us can do about sweating like Cotto and Mayweather after the third round. The beads of sweat dropping from your forehead onto my tits is a compliment, but sadly still gross. Btw, my bad for reciprocating.
7. Sex-Hair: Self-explanatory. Have you seen this shit? Someone call my John, because now I look like a prost.
8. You’re Not a Fucking Mime: Sure, the sound of you pounding me is hot, but I’m still here. I’m not a fucking fleshlight, so it’s your job to talk dirty to me once every few minutes.
9.The Post-Fuck Scavenger Hunt: The worst part about sex is the post-fuck scavenger hunt for all your clothes. This affects the bitches more, since we’ve got socks, jeans, a jacket, a blouse, a bra, and a thong to worry about. In the heat of the moment, obviously we’re going to throw all of that shit out the window, but that ensemble costs me at least $350, so fuck you and your single-garment sweatpants.