1. The Drag King
From a good distance, this beauty may initially resemble your typical college bro in baggy sweats or shorts with an oversized T-shirt. However, look a little harder and you’ll realize that this “bro” is donning some sort of small satchel or purse. Look a bit closer and you’ll discover that she’s actually stumbling in some flashy stilettos, and you can probably figure out what she wore the night before by what else she has in her hands.
This lucky girl obviously slept with a boy who wasn’t generous enough to get her a ride home, but at least he gave her some clothes to avoid looking too out of the norm. Too bad she’ll still get a few laughs on her shameful trek, and she’ll probably make some passersby reconsider her sexuality.
2. The Themed Party
These outfits can range from trash bags (anything but clothes party); a lei, bathing suit and hula skirt (beach night); some form of neon spandex (tight and bright); a toga; some type of wings, face paint and/or animals ears (Halloween); and the list can go on and on. Some guys may even be lucky enough to run into the girl coming back after a lingerie party, but for that girl’s sake, I would hope she would redress as the drag king.
We have to give some props to these girls, though. They went into the night knowing exactly what they would look like if they didn’t make it back the next morning, but they still allowed their sex drives to prevail.
3. The Dynamic Duo
In this case, we get to laugh at not one shameful walker, but two! They say to never walk alone at night, but what about the next day? These are probably the most shameless walkers-of-shame simply because they have a friend to tag along and laugh with as they’re ridiculed from passing cars and judged by the occasional adult. If they’re close enough to be walking in shame together, they probably got ready together, too. If one’s wearing a dress and heels, the other is most likely mirroring the outfit.
However, these dynamic duos may be walking with different levels of shame. If both of them managed to get some within the same unfamiliar building, then props to them; but more often than not, the one friend was off getting it in while the other was shafted and banished to the couch because she didn’t want to walk home alone. Even worse, the girl who isn’t already getting down and dirty is most likely accompanied on that couch with a creepy roommate, housemate or random hobo. Maybe walking home alone at 3 a.m. would have been safer, or at least much more physically and mentally comfortable.
4. The Poser
While the Themed Party may be our boldest, these girls are definitely the smartest. A poser has tricked the average eye by appearing as if she has just been out on early errands or something because she’s not very dressed up. She’s probably wearing jeans or shorts with flat boots or converse and topped it off with a not-so-flashy top, which is occasionally paired with a sensible jacket.
From afar, this girl can feel shameless because most can’t realize that she’s really shameful, but beware of a close encounter. Her golf ball-sized hickies, half missing or smudged makeup and last-ditch effort of a pony tail completely expose the purpose of her morning walk. Let’s also not forget that rancid morning-after-sex breath that you can smell from blocks away. Unless this girl remembered to bring some gum or take part in a morning finger-teeth brushing, I advise avoidance of close contact.
5. The Beauty Queen
This prize will be sporting an exact replica of her full attire from the night before. Her dress will not have stains, not one eyelash will be out of place and whatever hairstyle she took hours to put together the night before will still be perfectly intact. The one thing she did leave at the house in which she slept was her shame.
This girl DID NOT actually get any last night! She will receive plenty of laughs and whistles on the walk home, but none of them will disgrace or embarrass her; she’ll probably even smile and wave at her assailers. In reality, this naïve walker probably got a wee bit wobbly last night after two beers, so she decided to crash at a “friend’s” place. I consider these girls as the worst of the shame walkers because, other than the outcast friend from the dynamic duo, these girls experienced the least amount of fun. They’re also now being made fun of without the slightest bit of a hot sexy memory to show for it.