A Letter to My Roommate

Dear roommate, I’m well aware that literally every girl on the planet who actually likes her roommate proudly proclaims, “OMG I literally have the best roommate ever!” or “I for real have the best roomie in the world!!!” But I am writing you this letter to tell you that they are all mistaken; YOU are in fact the best roommate anyone could ask for. We have been through a lot together over this past semester, and I don’t think I have ever properly thanked you for everything you’ve put up with. I’d like to start by writing you this letter of gratitude, expressing my full appreciation for dealing with everything I have forced you to endure over these past few months. Most importantly, thank you for never cock blocking. You’ve allowed me to express my inner slut without hindrance. DJs, nerdy guys, frat douchebags, you name it, you’ve let me explore the entire spectrum of college dudes (and you’ve also stopped me from hooking up with some serious duds). You have been nothing but a cock enabler, and for that I applaud you. I’m sorry for getting drunk and sleeping in your bed when you’re gone; it is way comfier than mine. I don’t have four Tempur-Pedic mattress covers like you. The drunken slumbers I have taken on that heavenly bed of yours have been exquisite; I swear that bed prevents hangovers. If it ever happens again, I’ll remember to make the bed in the morning next time. I want to thank you for not thinking I’m a complete weirdo; I enjoy the occasional off-key singing in the shower,...