Blackouts: Any Flavor You Want
By: Sophie Sieck
The Stages of a Blackout
We’ve all been there, those nights that get a little sloppy and you wake up in the morning on someone’s unfamiliar couch. Whoops? There are four very distinct stages that range from a great night to asking where your wallet, phone, and friends are. Personally, I have experienced every embarrassing, ridiculous stage of a blackout so I pretty much had a PhD in blacking out. Here’s a guide, not only to figure out what happened to you, but also to catch your friend before she hits, “That Betch Just Punched Someone” status.
Brownouts are the ideal drunken situation. You aren’t quite at that blackout stage, but you don’t fully remember your night giving you an excuse for any shenanigans you don’t want to take responsibility for.
The Slutty Blackout
Often seen drunk sexting, having multiple casual make out sessions, or has already disappeared with that cute guy from Econ. This is the best, and most fun, stage of blackout. This slut usually acts like she is a cross breed between a celebrity and a pornstar at the bar. When she makes out she thinks the paparazzi should be snapping photos. Grab your slutty blackout friend as your wingman for the night before she sluts away.
The We’re in Love Blackout
This is the rival enemy of your slutty blackout. During this stage you constantly are holding hands, saying things you would never say in a million years, and acting like you are in love with whoever you are talking to. This stage tends to be the most akward when you see your “love” the next time out.
The Betch Blackout
Terrible. This person will be screaming, possibly hitting, and trying to leave the party. Let them leave before it takes a turn for the worse. Being the victim of a Betch Blackout and the betch herself, is not a pleasant state. There will be mandatory apologies made in the morning.
The World is Ending Blackout
During this stage, you are typically spending your whole night crying in the women’s bathroom. Sometimes you even cry in public. The most insignificant thing could have happened that night. Like your crush hugged a girl from his class and you are balling.
The Sloppy, Incoherent, Mess Blackout
The most hysterical thing if done in the safety of your own apartment, otherwise, it’s the most embarrassing experience of your life. Generally one cannot speak English, doesn’t recognize their best friends, and may be hitting on a 1 thinking it’s a 10. This blackout stage can be convinced to do almost anything from jumping off an object or breaking stuff. Get this person put to bed ASAP.
The This Is Not Happening Blackout
During this blackout you usually are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. Then suddenly your blackout steps into a sober mindset and subconsciously tells you “do not do it,” “escape the situation.” Little would you ever expect, but this blackout saved you!
The Crippled Blackout
During this blackout you mistakenly think you are an olympic athlete. You try the most outragous acrobatic moves that your sober self would never consider doing in a million years. Typically during this stage you will wake up in the hospital or with massive bruises and cuts.
The Break Up Blackout
You cut off everybody from your life during this blackout. End friendships, end relationships, drunk dial high school friends to tell them how much you hated them back in the day. You never remember anything happening, but wake up to find out your roommate has moved out, your friends won’t answer your calls, and your boyfriend changed his Facebook to “Single.”
Never feel sorry for a person in a blackout, no matter how embarrassing of stage, deep down, they are having the time of their life.