Blue Balling – A Crime?

In Advice, CTL, Opinions, Sex & Dating by Jeremy PinslyLeave a Comment

I got blue balled by some chick the other night and I seriously considered murdering her. If only that bitch knew what she was putting me through. For those of you who have never experienced life with a wiener, getting blue balled is the equivalent to waking up on Christmas morning as a retardedly happy 6 year old child, seeing a tree full of beautifully wrapped presents, opening them all, and finding out that they contain absolutely nothing inside of them. Heartbreaking. Would you do that to your kids? I sure hope not. Then you shouldn’t do that to guys. We are equally as fragile. My mom always told me to treat others as I want to be treated, and I would never dream of giving a girl a blue vagina. Stop giving us blue balls.

I don’t think it is physically possible for a guy to blue vagina a girl. When it comes to sex, we are like a boulder down a hill – once you push, there’s just no stopping us (unless we are really, really drunk). No guy in the history of the world has gone home with a girl, gotten naked with her and then said, “on second thought, not tonight”. That’s ridiculous. we don’t pull out a gun unless we intend to shoot. Therefore, we simply don’t know how to process the information when a girl is lying in bed next us and says she just wants to cuddle. What? But we could have sex and then cuddle. Why skip the fun part? I wouldn’t ride around all day on the monorail if I went to Disney World. I’d rather go down Splash Mountain as many times as possible. Life is short, ladies. Stop asking yourselves “why?” and start asking “why not?”. Giving into temptation is much more fun than resisting (insert hypnotic spiral).

If you don’t want to have sex with someone the first night you meet them, that’s totally cool (not really). Just don’t act like you do while we’re hanging out at the bar. That’s called playing games, and that is super, brain wrenchingly frustrating. These balls are not for playin’ games with. Just because you know you can use your hotness to make us look like idiots doesn’t mean you should (true heroes use their powers for good). We get it, you’re better at manipulation than us. Now stop it. We’re not playing poker, we are communicating. It works much better when we can see each others’ cards. Grow up, bitches. Games are for 12 year olds.

I talked to a girl at a bar one time for about 3 hours (in bar time, that’s like 9 days), and after all of that time, she finally told me that she had a boyfriend. At that point, I stopped hitting on her and started actually hitting her. Beating the shit out of that bitch. Kicked her right in the vagina (God, I wish society would’ve allowed me to do that. She totally deserved it). Leading someone on at a bar is a stage 1 blue ball. Not a felony, but you should still have to pay some fines and do some community service for your juvenile actions. If you have a piece of shit boyfriend, and he’s not out with you, you need to tell us that within the first 45 seconds of conversation. We are at a bar…time is pussy! I really don’t want to talk to you if the chances of you touching my wiener are 0%. Who wants to work if they are not going to get paid? Start being upfront with us, and no one else will ever have to suffer the pain that I suffered that dark and dreary night (did I mention lonely?).

I get it, guys are chauvinistic ass-holes who only care about adding another notch to the belt so they can tell their friends about it. So what? There’s nothing wrong with showing off your trophies. If I hooked up with a chick and she started bragging to all of her friends about it, I would be ecstatic. I’d call my dad and tell him the great news –

“Pops, you’re never gonna believe this! Some hot girl got drunk enough to have sex with me last night and now she is telling all of her hot friends about it! Pretty soon they will all want to bang me! This is the best day of my life! Go run and get mom on the phone, please”.

You should be honored that we told anyone about us hooking up. That’s a sign of pride in our kill. There have been a couple…hundred girls that I have regretted engaging physically with throughout my life. I don’t tell anyone about them. Protect those secrets like the CIA. Be glad that’s not you. If the reason you decide to blue ball us is because you are worried about your friends calling you a slut, you’re being an idiot. In these situations, angry friends are just jealous friends. Learn to read between the lines.

The more I have thought about it, there is only one motive a girl could possibly have in order to blue ball a guy without having to go to hell for doing so – revenge. If you are getting back at an ass-hole douche who wronged you in some way (cheated on you, lied to you, constantly made fun of how terrible women’s sports are in front of your face…), then blue balling is a totally viable option; However, if you are doing it because you think it’s cute and funny, it’s not. If you are doing it to feel empowered (god damn feminists), you’re not going about it in a very honorable way. Winning a sex battle by resorting to blue ballling is like showing truce by putting out your hand to shake with your opponent and then pulling it back at the last second to strike us down unfairly. Not cool. Don’t be like Jauquin Phoenix in “Gladiator”. Fight with honor.

My other thought is that girls blue ball us to punish us for our animalistic, sexually driven behavior. Trying to teach us a lesson. While proving your point (we care too much about sex), it’s still not a fair way to get a message across. What you have to understand, ladies, is that our wieners are conniving, psychological geniuses out to seize power from our brains (and with great success). They control us like Hitler controlled the Nazis. They say, we do. Simple as that. There’s no reason to blame us for being sex craved monsters because it’s simply not our fault. We’ve been brainwashed with dick propaganda. If there is anyone to blame for our behavior, it’s the good lord himself. He made us this way. You wouldn’t blue ball God would you? That’s a fast tract to the darkest, most evil depths of hell. I don’t think He or Jesus would have any sympathy for that kind of behavior.

Thanks to God’s beautiful work, guys think about sex every 16 seconds (fact). Think about that for a second. Now think about that for 15 more seconds. In that time, I just envisioned having sex with you. Messed up, right? The fact that we aren’t constantly walking around with boners is a scientific miracle (Jedi mind trick?). Give us some credit for the small amount of restraint that we do show. It could be much worse. Keep blue balling us and we’ll remind you who is bigger, stronger, faster.

There is a reason God made us the way we are and it’s because sex is the foundation for a long and healthy relationship (animals were created to reproduce, right?). When we are hitting on you at the bar, yea, we may initially be looking for a one night stand; However, if you come home with us, and we happen to have really awesome, give me a cigarette even though I don’t smoke type sex, there’s no reason to think we won’t want to call you back for a real date. We are smart consumers. We like to test drive the car before we put any money down. If we like how it rides, we just might want to park it in the garage for awhile. Well, at least until ‘ole Bessy hits 200,000 miles and start breaking down on us (Menopause must suck). Now, if I test drive a car and it breaks down on me in the middle of the interstate (aka decides to roll over and go to sleep as I’m grabbing a condom out of my wallet), I will never want to try and drive that car again. Don’t break down us as soon as we are about to hit full speed. That could get us seriously hurt.

Not all guys are idiots, we know why girls like to blue ball us (whether it be at the bar or in bed). It’s a sense of empowerment, it makes you feel special and not slutty, it makes you think you have us in the palm of your hand. You’re wrong. It just makes us really hate you. If you’re going to be this annoying now, we can only imagine how awful it would be to actually date you. Moral of the story, don’t blue ball dudes. It’s wrong, it’s immature, and if it were up to me, it would be illegal. If anyone wants to join me in lobbying for this important cause, I will be hosting an Occupy Wall Street Circle Jerk starting this Friday to protest. We won’t stop until justice is served…in the form of a blow job. “Finish off that 1%!”