It doesn’t matter what you called it; whaling, hogging, harpooning, it’s all the same thing. It’s chasing the chubbies. It’s porking the porkers. We’ve all been there, and if you haven’t I don’t believe you. But while the practice is frowned upon, the crime is not always as black and white as we would expect. In fact, there are four descending stages to which your poor desperate penis can drop.
The night is going great, you’re hammered as shit and you’ve been talking with a pretty girl all night. You made out with someone earlier but you don’t remember who. Your super hero alter ego starts to come out, the one who thinks six more Jager shots are a good idea. Your world starts becoming a blur, and next thing you know you’re coming out of a blackout.
This is where smart individuals say to themselves “You know what? I had a very enjoyable experience tonight, I will now go to sleep in my own bed.” Unfortunately, I was never the sharpest crayon in the shed, so this was not always my thinking. You see, at this point of the night the odds are not in favor for anyone who is awake because any girl who hasn’t fallen off the ugly tree is either fucking or sleeping by this point.
What you have left are girls willing to take any dick available (even yours). You’ve done the math like the last slices of pizza; she’s hooking up with him, she has a long term boyfriend, etc. until you find that one pizza slice who is looking for a fuck just like you. She may tip the scales pretty high, but you’re too drunk to care. Your friends are all gone, and if everything goes right, no one will even know it happened. Kudos.
6 Months probation. If offender repeats crime, nickname will be awarded and kept for a minimum of 10 years.
This stage is similar to manslaughter, except less intoxicated and with more opportunities to go get drunk food, steal a street sign, or do anything that doesn’t involve your penis entering Free Willy. Many people will never get to this stage, because they have an ounce of respect for their genitals, but there will always be that guy who “gives zero fucks” or is “too frat to care.” In other words, his soul is dying.
Your friends will probably hear about this through a 3rd party. Don’t worry, the guy who told them is a d-bag and you can say he exaggerated that part about her weight.
No hard liquor for a full week. You haven’t hit rock bottom yet, but you’re riding and slippery slope. Take this chance to pull yourself out of the grave before the dirt starts showering over you.
As in more serious homicides, this act was premeditated. What does this mean? One word: SOBRIETY. You poor son of a bitch probably hit that strange phase between drunk and drunk where thoughts are rational and acceptable excuses for unnatural behavior are winded down to a slim few.
Maybe you are experiencing a dry spell, maybe you’re revenge fucking one of your ex’s friends, but in the end there is no excuse. There goes your invitation to any sorority formal. There goes that hot girl you’ve had a crush on since you were a freshman. There goes your hope of a grad school calling you for an interview. You blew it.
God damnnit, pull yourself together man. Go home for a weekend and sit the next couple of plays out, if you know what I mean.
It’s over. Hopefully you’re a second semester senior, because every face you see until you graduate is going to judge the fuck out of you. Hopefully one of your friends called your mom and broke the news to her, so she can finally admit you’re adopted and that she never wants to see you again.
You blatantly called this humongous woman, and then were ignorant enough to brag about her to your friends. “Nah bro, she’s actually pretty hot. She’s going out tonight and I’ll introduce you.” They give you the benefit of the doubt, until they actually see her in person. They chuckle and laugh until they realize you’re actually serious, so the scene turns into an intervention. They’ll beg and plead with you to just walk away, but you’ve already made up your mind.
Not really much to say about this one, except thanks for providing the entertainment. Everyone loves to watch a train wreck. Maybe you’ll get a reality TV show on VH1 someday.
…………………………………….. go back to community college