In last week’s anticipation of the iPhone 5, which I actually held on Friday, I’d like to first start off by saying that it’s pretty much the same piece of shit. Siri just got taller and skinnier after a year just like my 15 year-old cousin. She stepped up her game and went on an all-ice cube diet. Do your thing, Siri. Unfortunately the iPhone has once again repeated itself in its improvements. It’s all the same shit. They could come out with the iPhone 69 and I still won’t be impressed until the day Apple humanizes Siri. That bitch better be able to make my coffee in the morning and jump out the damn phone to strip for me when I stuff hunnids down her g-string. So, sorry iPhone 5. Not too impressed.
The point being—your smartphone may get shinier, but college is still college. Your phone is still your phone. All you use it for is booty calls and the Chipotle app. Sometimes the two go hand in hand.
Holy shit I got off topic. Everyone knows the ‘good morning’ text. But do you really know the ‘good morning’ text? The answer is no. No you don’t. Because I know everything and you know nothing. And in the age of emojis and sexy ghetto student athletes, we’re in need for some dissection. Good morning.
“Good morning” – Pure, white, virgin, genuineness. Legitimately means good morning. You haven’t yet fucked this guy, but you’ve probably exchanged a few placated compliments that led to you giving him your number. Fortunately for you, this guy isn’t interested in entering your insides then never talking to you again. He’s more interested in shit like making you pasta and making you feel shitty whenever you forget to call him at 4:15. He’s most likely someone who’s never encountered anything less than a long-term “I wanna be with you forever” type of shitty relationship.
“Wake yo ass up” – If you’re like me, the last time you were texted “good morning” was in 7th grade. And it was probably from your mom. Now you’re blessed with “wake yo ass up.” Inconsiderate, coerced arrogance. And its derived translation is simple—Thanks for letting me stick my sausage in you last night, hoe. Here’s my way of saying the sun is now up and my ghetto ass is thinking of you. He’s not thinking of you. He’s just an insecure prick who thinks you’ll sleep with him again because his genitalia thought of you in the morning. How romantic.
“Good morning ;)” – Can we fuck tonight? Clean and simple winky face. They all translate the same.
“Woke up thinking of you…” – I have a really, REALLY, small dick, for which I plan to compensate with emotion. If you get a text with use of ellipses, run for the mountains and quick. “…” means he menstruates more than you do, and you’ll definitely see the repercussions of so.
“Gm” – Good morning, I have an IQ of 5.
“Morning” – I’m still pissed the fuck off at you, but I’m going to be the bigger person and hopefully make your day miserable because of it. I send “mornings” every day. You know who you are. Take this as a precaution.
“g00d m0rning” – I am extremely incompetent. Unless you’re texting your little brother, find a new group of friends who aren’t dyslexic.
“Come over I’m making waffles.” – Come over, I need the D. And I’m making waffles.
Wake yo ass up, everyone. BerkeleyBabe is making waffles.