If you’ve been victim of Drunken Phone Usage Syndrome, don’t feel alone. All too many of us have been in this boat at some point our lives, and it’s time to finally talk about it. The truth is, there should be rules against using your phone after you’ve began drinking heavily, because honestly, nothing good can come of it. There are just too many risks. The next morning, you end up deciding to never drink again after seeing that you called your ex-boyfriend 13 times, pocket-dialed your mom at 3 AM and texted your old roommate telling her how you really feel. There are many reasons you should be embarrassed about this, but nothing should discourage you from drinking. Ever. So instead of writing off your college shwasty career completely, let’s try to fix this problem at the root of it. Well, maybe not fix it, but at least make fun of it. Let’s go through some basic no-no’s of drunken phone usage, and hope and pray that our drunk asses never pull this shit again. Good luck.
The late night to the opposite sex text
Unless you’re trying to get it in, don’t waste people’s time. When it’s 2 AM and you’re doing your final rounds, it sometimes becomes a priority to have a late night sleepover with that hot guy you hooked up with the weekend before. In college life, this is acceptable (as long as you’re comfortable and confident in your slutty tendencies, that is). Otherwise, if you text a guy to hang out past 11 PM and you have no intention of hooking up with him, don’t do it. No one appreciates that girl. You’ll then be labeled as something worse than a slut- a tease, which in college life could classify you as a bad person. Unless you’re trying to get it in, save yourself the bad rep and put your phone away. People love sluts, but no one likes a blue-baller. Avoid avoid avoid.
The “Why did we stop being friends?!” phone call
If you haven’t talked to your BFF from the 11th grade since high school graduation, there’s probably a good reason for it. Maybe she didn’t invite you to a party at her house or you slept with her boyfriend or something- whatever it is, the friendship is over and there is absolutely no reason to rekindle it. In your drunken state, however, it can be easy to forget these things and could possibly make you want to call her, apologize for whatever you did wrong and then ask to hang out tomorrow. Trust me, nothing good can come of this. The most likely result is self-hatred and an awkward coffee date while you discuss the fact that you did in fact sleep with her boyfriend. Fail.
The “Where the f*ck are you?!? Come party with me!” phone call
In all likelihood, your ex-boyfriend who goes to school across the country has little to no interest in coming to party with you in that moment in time. Yes, they may talk to you for a few minutes, but that’s only because they’re drunk too and also seemed to forget that this conversation is pointless. For all you know, while you’re screaming into the phone in the bathroom, you’re missing your favorite song or free alcohol being passed around. It’s best to save your long-distance minutes and use them to call Grandma the next day to discuss her latest Mahjong tournament- that at least will be a more productive conversation.
The “What’s up, dad?!” mistake
There are some people that should be blocked from your phone while you’re drinking, some examples being parents, bosses, and anyone else that judges you harshly. In situations such as this, it’s best to either hang up immediately, text them that you lost service, or throw your phone off a balcony. There is no reason that you should be communicating with the ones who pay your tuition while you’re clearly taking that money and using it to support your alcoholism. When your mom asks you the next day why she heard “keg stand” being screamed in the background when she called you the night before, simply tell her that she either had the wrong number, or that you were watching American Pie while staying in for the night and doing homework. Totally a valid answer.
The drunk tweeting and Facebook status problem
No one wants to see your “OMGeez lkdjfakldsj hahaTequila!!” Facebook status posted at 2 AM. Sure, it’ll get plenty of likes and possibly a comment saying “Ha! You drunk bz,” from one of your friends, but overall, you look like a hot mess who is spending your drunken time alone on Facebook instead of being social. Drinking is wonderful, but only in real life.