How to Bang That Hot Bartender

In Advice, CTL, Drinking, Sex & Dating by BerkleyBroLeave a Comment

I work at a wildly popular, late night basement bar at a well-known Big Ten school’s college town. Exactly which school is not important (I assure you I do not attend Berkley, the only reason my username is ‘BerkleyBro’ is because I think BerkleyBabe is hot. You know how couples sometimes agree on a short list of people, usually celebrities, that their significant other would let them bang if the opportunity ever arose? Yeah, my girlfriend and I had that talk and BerkleyBabe is on mine). Anyway, I see a lot of hook ups, pick-ups, and horrible fails in my line of work, and most of them crack me up. But as the new school year rolls around and brings with it a fresh crop of newly 21 year olds, I feel I am finally in the position to offer some advice, and this particular bit is geared towards guys that want to fuck the hot girl bartender at their favorite local spot. I have no idea how well this translates to real world ‘adult/old people’ bars, but in a college town, this is probably your best bet.

Step 1: Chill the fuck out. The target you have selected is hot. She deals with hundreds of patrons every night with ranging levels of intoxication and (therefore) social inhibition. What does this mean? If she’s been doing this long enough, she’s heard it all. Literally everything. Think of the most obscure, creative, sneaky, genius way to hit on her. Go ahead, take a second and think about it. Got a good idea? Yeah, some drunk ass has already tried that, twice.

Step 2: Build rapport. For the most part, male bartenders get tipped for being fast, female bartenders get tipped for being hot. See where I’m going with this? I have presented you with an easy way for you to express, without words, your opinion of her attractiveness and your desire to penetrate her. Order your drinks, give her your payment, and discreetly (and without asking for attention or recognition) give her a fat tip. Do this a couple times throughout the night, remaining polite and well mannered and do not develop a sense of entitlement. Eventually, her brain will associate your face with money (aka happiness and a moist vagina). Psychology at work bitches.

The key part of this is to maintain the demeanor of an average customer who is not expecting anything in return for his gratuity (you will ruin this step if you start trying to leverage your tips into free drinks or stronger drinks. Often times, if you do this regularly enough, this should start to take care of itself, so just keep your mouth shut). Even if you don’t end up tappin’ that ass, you will still at least get great service and a few free drinks out of it all. If not, the target you have selected is a bitch and you should pick a new one

Step 3: Be patient. It is September, and we are in the second week of school. You have 8 more months to accomplish this goal. It is a marathon, not a sprint. Every fall, the girls at my work brace themselves for an onslaught of thinly veiled and abundantly creepy advances from drunken frat boys who think they are the shit. Even if you ARE the shit, you are going to have to try pretty hard to prove it in an environment where the girl you are trying to get at is predisposed to think you are just a drunken asshole. And nobody likes a tryhard. Just BE the shit, don’t spend your time trying to convince everyone else you are.

Now you might have read this far and be thinking, ‘wow, that sounds a little like prostitution’. Yeah, it essentially is, but it is cleverly disguised so that your target doesn’t know. The hot girl bartender at your local spot deals with so many douchebags throughout the night that all you have to do is offer a smiling face and a good tip, and over time (without her even knowing it) she will grow to love to see your face at the bar, because you make her job easier.

Oh and if you’re a hot girl looking to nail that sexy manstud bartender, just go up and tell him. The rules are different. Good luck everyone!