McLovin

How We Acquire Alcohol (By Class Year)

Regardless of our year in college it’s safe to say that we’re getting plastered at least two nights a week (more if you aren’t a pussy).  Until America wises up like the progressive state of Canada and lowers the legal drinking age to 18, freshman and sophomores must be a little more creative than the juniors and seniors on campus in their quest for alcohol.  Therein lies the important question: where are we going to find this booze on said evening? Here’s a breakdown by year in college.


Freshman – This can be both the easiest and hardest time to find alcohol in your college career.  For girls it’s about as easy to get as it is to find pigeons when you’ve got bread (yes, you are the proverbial bread to the upperclassman pigeon).  If you’re a guy and didn’t buy your friends (you didn’t pledge into a frat) then you must be more creative.  Asking fellow dormmates of the fairer sex to get you alcohol is a patented move.  Stealing alcohol may also be acceptable in times of desperation.  The Ferris Buehler’s of the world will find a way to swoon their RA into buying them alcohol, this being the pinnacle of alcohol swindling as a freshman.

Sophomore – At this point in your college career you’ve learned the way of the world a little.  Not being in such close proximity to others prevents you from jumping on the alcohol train by casually throwing out, “I’ll pitch on it!” But those more creative will by now have found a way to purchase alcohol themselves, usually in the form of a fake ID.  Although a good idea, most fake ID’s look like you…if you were shorter, uglier and had a much bigger nose.  They truthfully only work at neighborhood corner stores, and only because the cashier sees dozens of them a day and has stopped giving a fuck.  Older sibling’s bestowing old ID’s have proven to be a solid investment, but as a Sophomore, befriending someone who has recently turned 21 before they become spiteful of people asking them to buy them alcohol is the best plan.

Junior – This is the year of the game changer; the year that most everyone turns 21 and the MIPS are behind us.  The only potential problem is if you’re one of the first to turn 21.  You have a limited group to go out with (other early births), but much worse, everyone and their mother will be asking you to get them alcohol.  Not to worry though, by winter term there will be enough freshly turned 21ers out there to rage with and the freshman you know will stop texting you.  From my independent research I issue  a fair warning to those who look forward to being 21. This will be the year you consume the most hard alcohol, which means it will be: the most times you drunkenly fight a stranger, throw-up in your bed and spend inordinate amounts of money on over-priced drinks.  Beware.

Senior – By this time in college, you’ve been through it all.  Sneaking into bars, over-charging your debit card and scraping change together for 40’s.  With a year under your belt at the bars the appeal has begun to die down.  Being more fiscally and socially aware, you realize the 8 dollar well drinks, waiting in lines and crowded hallway in campus bars are hardly worth it.   The shift back toward intimate gatherings and house parties is a natural trend as you can drink more alcohol for less and generally have people around that you enjoy.  This all takes a dramatic turn once the idea that, “I’m graduating,” starts to linger.  All regard for life is gone at this point.  Alcohol consumption is at an all time high.  You’re now attending karaoke and trivia night at your ‘favorite’ bar as an excuse to drink.  And if you survive this stage, you have survived college.  Congrats young go-hard.


As your perceptive mind can see, alcohol takes on a big part of our lives in college.  Those against it in high school start to booze harder than their more liberal counterparts.  The weekend starts on Thursday.  Any day that is 80+ degrees can and should turn into day drinking.  With this newly found importance in inebriation, it is essential to understand one’s role as decided by their age and experience.  Having read this puts you at a distinct advantage compared to your less-educated classmates.  Cheers!


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