drunk couple co state

How To Not Suck In A Relationship

So, you’re in a relationship. Congratulations. Pathetic single girls will sufficiently hate you, and normal people will assume that you are no longer a reliable wingman or party-goer. But here’s the kicker: you can still be normal. Ladies, I give you 5 foolproof ways on how to not suck:

1. Go out. Alone. Without your boyfriend.

WHAT?! I can’t be away from him for more than 5 seconds!! Yes you fucking can. You’re a (somewhat) functioning adult and a member of some college or university that mistakenly finds you intelligent enough to attend classes and get a degree a year later than anticipated. This means that you have an extra year at a home-away-from-home to go out, party hard, make mistakes, and have a shit ton of fun. So what if you have a boyfriend? He probably wants to go out with his friends too. God, you’re so clingy sometimes.

2. Drink. Alone. Without your boyfriend.

That’s right, drink alcohol and drink it well. Find a poorly themed party or trashy bar to waste whatever money you acquired over the summer on way too much alcohol. Oh, his birthday is coming up and you need to get him a present? Give him a blowjob. He might not return it this time.

3. Dance. Alone. Without your boyfriend.

I understand that your boyfriend might get uncomfortable because some random guy is jamming his jean-clad penis into your barely-skirt-clad butt crack, but as long as you have clothes on and this dance remains tongue-free, what’s the problem? If you have any trust at all, you should both be able to dance with other people. Seriously.

4. Put your phone down when you are alone. Without your boyfriend.

Remember that trust thing? Let him have a good time with all of his friends (girls included) and you go have a good time with yours. If you get drunk enough, a few texts are okay on the off chance he needs to know how much vomit will be in your hair when you come home, but don’t text him all night. Be an individual every once in a while before people stop inviting you out.

5. Don’t forget who you were before him.

There was a reason you had friends before this boy. And if you didn’t have friends, then you suck anyway so you shouldn’t have read this. A lot of people are going to be important to you, so don’t mess it up with the good ones for a few rolls in the hay and some flowers on stupid holidays.