Intern’s Report: Blackouts

Everyone has that one friend in the group that claims to be completely blacked out and remembers every detail of the night.  This is not a black out.  Blacking out is what I like to refer to as drunk teleporting.  One moment you polish that last shot of tequila off and the next, you come to pissing in your ex’s kitchen.  If you define blacking out as killing 6 pack, you are doing it wrong.  Here are my top 5 tools of the trade and some new terminology.

Tools Needed:

Great for mixed drinks or shots, these five made the cut.  Warning: May cause sudden black outs.  Side Effects include: Mumbling, Slurred Speech, Dumb Ideas, Urge to text an ex, Making 2s look like 10s, and despicable hook-ups.

  1. PGA, Moonshine, Everclear: I’m putting these in the same family, great for making hooch and other mixed drinks.   High grain alcohols are used in some process (I’m probably wrong) to make ethanol.  High grain alcohols are very dangerous to drink and that’s more reason to drink it.  I call this family the devil juices.
  2. Bacardi 151: 75.5% alcohol content 151 proof.  This stuff is strong, don’t believe me?  The fumes are flammable, enough said.  I call it 151 Bad Decisions.
  3. Absinthe: This stuff is hard to come by.  Mainly sold in Europe, sometimes a buddy will manage to score a bottle.  The alcohol content varies.  If any of you have watched the movie Euro Trip, you will understand.  You won’t see green fairies but, you damn sure will be acting bat shit crazy.  It tastes like Jager and kicks nothing like anything you have ever drank.  I highly recommend giving this a try if you have the opportunity.  We can finally give Europe credit in the rage department.  I call this European Surprise.
  4. Wild Turkey 101: I had the opportunity to try this over thanksgiving.  This turkey ate me.  This 101 proof whiskey redefines whiskey dick.  If there is one state that knows how to rage, its Kentucky.  I call this the Wild Turkey.
  5. Southern Comfort 100 Proof: I cannot tell you the amount of laws violated on this alcohol.  For legal purposes, I won’t go into detail.  I plead the fifth…….of Soco.    I call this 100 Problems, Jay Z was missing 1.

Use these tools wisely.  The above may be responsible for 100% of your bad decisions.  That being said, here are a few new terms you can throw around.

  • Three sheets to the wind
  • Crunk
  • Smashed
  • Pissed
  • Stupid
  • Whacked
  • ****-housed
  • ******-up
  • Bombed
  • Faded
  • Blitzed
  • Tanked
  • Totaled
  • Tipsy
  • Blasted
  • ****-faced
  • Sloshed
  • Bashed
  • Plowed
  • Toasted
  • Annihilated
  • Laced
  • Slammed
  • Slammered
  • Trashed
  • Loaded
  • Sorority Girl Drunk
  • Freshman Drunk
  • Sh** the Bed Drunk
  • Hellen  Keller Status

Drink responsibly, always have a sober ride to waffle house, rage on my friends.

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  • ICF Girl

    Blacking out is drunk teleporting.. Spot on!