I'm Jewish And You Know It

Jewish Boy Swag

Before I take questions, let me reassure you, this is real. Having grown up in pretty much all Jewish environments (Hebrew school, synagogue, Israel trips, Bank of America), I feel knowledgeable enough to appreciate the beauty of the Jewish Boy Swag. JBS, we’ll call it. The easiest way to describe JBS is by relating it to Drake- he’s a rapper, he’s famous, probably has a big dick, and you know he’s making it rain every second of the day. And OH, as if he couldn’t have been any more perfect, he’s JEWISH! To break it down, JBS requires you to have a lot of normal swag, plus the yamukah to make all our demanding Jewish mothers happy.

Unfortunately there is only one Drake, you may have noticed. But many more men are born with inherent JBS, let me reassure you. You know exactly what I’m talking about, my fellow Jewish ladies. And non-Jewish ladies, you may/probably have no idea what I’m talking about. No one freak out, there is much to learn, and I can promise that there is plenty of JBS to go around. Here is the step-by-step guide to finding a guy with the perfect Jewish Boy Swag, to satisfy all of your (and your rabbi’s) Kosher hopes and dreams.

Did you meet him at Hillel, Chabad or some other Jewish place on campus?

If the answer is yes, this is not an automatic sign of JBS. All this means is he has a circumcised penis and he had a Bar Mitzvah. Not enough information. Dig deeper. Ask him any question. Doesn’t really matter what he says, but try to focus on his personality and look for some basic JBS signals. Some examples could be adding random Yiddish or Hebrew words into his sentences (“yeah, the party was mishagas, you should have come!”), references to his high school friends named Benjamin Feingold and Shaina Levy, and how he’s pumped to go home for Passover this spring. Anyone who’s proud to have a lot of Jewish friends, knows Yiddish, and is excited to go home for a Jewish holiday is definitely someone you want to keep around.

Does he think his mom is the greatest woman ever?

No, this isn’t weird and/or extremely lame. This is awesome, and a key factor to Jewish Boy Swag. Does he mention that his mom’s matzah ball soup recipe is the bomb? Did she buy him that sweater for Chanukah last year? Does he call her every Friday to say Shabbat Shalom, and loudly and proudly say, “I love you” at the end? If he talks about things along these lines, why are you still having this conversation with him? He should already be in your pants by this point.

Did he go to Jewish summer camp?

 Most likely, the answer will be yes, because Jew camp is essentially a right of passage in the Jewish/sexually active world. So, if he confirms that yes, he did in fact go to Jew camp and/or participated in Jewish youth groups in high school, these are signs that A) he definitely knows how to communicate with Jewish girls, and then B) bang them, usually behind some Jewish object, like a synagogue bathroom, a gaga pit, or during halftime at an ultimate Frisbee game. These are all very important signs and things to mark off your checklist. No one likes a virgin, especially ones who could never afford to go to Jew camp.

Does he listen to music like Matisyahu, Balkan Beat Box or any other “hip” Jewish music?

 If the answer is yes, this is a good sign. Lesbionist, a boyfriend buying you two Matisyahu tickets for your birthday is possibly the greatest present ever, so this clearly gives you more incentive to pursue him. As long as it’s not Yiddish music from the old country or songs from the Torah, most likely, this guy has JBS. Those Matisyahu tickets are in hands reach, ladies- watch him like a hawk.

Is he a member of AEPi, ZBT, or some other homoerotic Jewish penis-filled institution?

If the answer is yes- jackpot! Even if he doesn’t work out, he luckily has 60 other brothers who most likely contain some form of JBS. So stay friends with this one until he brings you to the house and introduces you to his brothers, and keep a mental note of the guys who will potentially wine and dine you with a nice bottle of Maneshevitz and a bagel spread.

Mazel tov, my fellow Yamulka-chasers. You’re ready to go. Good luck to each and every one of you, and God bless you, future Jewish mothers of tomorrow.



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