We’re all really really stupid when we’re drunk. Sorry but it’s true. We might say something we don’t mean, or we might slip and fall down a flight of stairs, or we might even like, vomit. But perhaps one of the most unfortunate mistakes we make after a night of drinking is eating. And when I say eating I don’t mean like grabbing a handful of chips and calling it a night. I mean eating an entire meal for no apparent reason. Sometimes I’m not even hungry, it just feels like something I’m supposed to do. It’s like our drunk minds don’t even care that we’re about to consume 2,438 calories, we want it that badly. As if the unreal amount of calories we’ve already had through drinking weren’t enough, we love to add on a little something extra, just for fun. And don’t try and deny it, we all do this. It’s shameful and it’s annoying, but we do it. Same way we all cry when we’re drunk…but that’s a whole different story.
My weakness is Jimmy Johns. I’m sure they’ve come to expect my call. Usually around 1:30am I’ll call and order a beach club (no tomatoes, sick). Wait, I’m giving myself way too much credit…its usually at or before midnight. It’s like I can’t physically go to sleep without it. I even stooped so low one night that I lied to my roommate and told her I was about to be sick and had to go home. So then I left and ordered Jimmy Johns with all my friends (I was alone).
It doesn’t even really matter if what you’re about to eat tastes good. As long as it’s food. A lot of us think we’re capable of cooking when we’re drunk, and long story short, we’re not. Let’s just sayhypothetically you try to open a jar of pasta sauce by hitting it lightly against the edge of the counter. You might miss but just a little and shatter the jar and all its contents onto the kitchen floor. Oops. So from that moment on, I switched over to do things that only required me to push buttons on the microwave. For a while, I was really really into Tyson’s chicken nuggets. I would literally come home, throw them onto a plate (as many as I could fit) and microwave them. I’m actually like, super sicked out thinking back to it now. I’m kidding, they were delicious.
Perhaps my favorite memory of drunk eating is from my semester abroad in London. Our dorms were conveniently located 5 minutes away from McDonalds. And as if that wasn’t enough, the night bus dropped us off literally AT McDonalds. It’s like they were trying to kill us. But I mean, since I have little to no self control, I ate there every night, along with everybody else in my program.Like seriously no exaggeration, EVERY night that we get out. Ew I can’t even talk about it. However, judging by the amount of times we ate there, one would think I’d be sick of it, and just super turned off by it. But, I could eat it,like, probably today.
It’s really gross you wake up in the morning realizing what you ate the night before, and combined with your pounding headache, you’ve already got a head start to the most terrible day ever. The worst is when you don’t even remember eating it, because then whats the point? You have zero memory of the convenient 1,000+ extra calories you tacked onto your day. And then you’ve got to get on twitter to tell the world how hungover you are, ugh, it’s exhausting.
The real question is, are we all huge fatasses or are we raging alcoholics? tough call.
Well I’m gonna go cry or something because it’s really really upsetting to see all of this written down.