Martha Stewart’s Guide to Drinking Game Etiquette

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For too long the topic of drinking game etiquette has been ignored. Games such as Beer Pong, Kings, or Flip Cup bring people together who otherwise would have never spoken to one another…or maybe that’s just the alcohol. Whatever the reason may be it is important that all participants partake in the festivities with the proper etiquette. Those who don’t live under a rock are familiar with “party fouls,” but for some reason little focus has been given to what are known as “drinking game fouls.” These fouls are just as offensive, if not more so, than party fouls. Never fear, here is a solid foundation of general rules to make sure these offenses are kept to a minimum.

First things first, leave all emotional baggage at the door of the party. No one wants to hear in the middle of Kings, “Never have I ever experienced love.” For the rest of the game everyone is uncomfortable and awkward. Also, it makes someone feel like an asshole for putting their finger down since they are familiar with what love feels like. Keep it light and keep it fun. No one present is qualified to be your therapist or here to attend a group therapy session. Save the beer tears for when you drunk dial your ex.

Going along with “Never Have I Ever,” do not use drinking games as an opportunity to out other people’s secrets. “Never have I ever been named Mary and peed my pants that one time…” Your friend Mary probably peed her pants in front of you in confidence. Not to mention that broadcasting someone’s personal secrets could hinder any chance of getting lucky later. It should go without saying that friends help friends get it in. So do your part and focus on your performance at the task at hand.

Speaking of focus, since you’re too drunk to remember what you’re doing – you’re playing a game! Stay involved. Don’t start talking to other people or mosey on over to the other side of the room. You’re too wasted to discover the purpose of existence so stop talking about it with that rando in the corner. If you do leave to get yourself or anyone else a new drink then run like Phidippides. Things are kinda blurry at this point so it should be no problem to have tunnel vision to the fridge and back. We are all in this together and counting on you so please don’t let yourself get distracted. The point of a drinking game is to play it – or win for those who identify as “those people.”

If you consider yourself a part of that group of people who become overly invested in competitive activities then please refer to rule number one. Keep it light and keep it fun. Everyone knows that one person who becomes a competi-bitch during a game and thus sucks all the fun from the atmosphere. Remember that life goes on and that there are no real winners in drinking games. Only varying degrees of losing. So please cool your tits, you’re ruining my buzz.

Last, but certainly not least, do not leave half-drunk drinks sprawled around. For you underage kids, how quickly you forget of the struggle and the perseverance that was required to get those drinks. Think of the starving, sober people around the world. For you 21 and over individuals, what do you think you’re doing? You know better than that. Think of the message you’re sending the children.

So to wrap up today’s lesson, when involved in any sort of drinking competition always remember what your little league coach told you: try your best, be yourself, have fun and when in doubt do what Martha Stewart would do: cheat.