“Never Again”

In Advice, CTL by CTLLeave a Comment

But We ALWAYS Do It Again

These are things we always “regret,” claim it will never happen again, or it was our last time.  Truth is, we always end up doing it again.

Ranch dressing: Do you know how much fat is in ranch? “I am never eating that again!” Then once you try your food without ranch and realize it tastes like camel dick.  Thus, you realize you have no problem dunking everything in ranch till the day you are 300 pounds.

Dance floor makeout: “Oh my god PDA is so immature and creepy” Ohhhh myy godd they are playing “Glamorous” by Fergie!!! A litle grinding later and you are macking.

McDonald’s: That is disgusting, 50 grams of fat.  However, after near death Subway experience you’ll be back at McDonalds.  It might be a hangover, a moldy turkey sandwhich, or any other stupid ways of validating your McDonald’s habit (I ran like 2 miles today and if I got mayo at Jimmy John’s it’d basically be the same thing!) Honey, it’s far from the same thing.  Never promise yourself you won’t eat at McDonald’s again, one way or another you’ll be back for the “I’m loving it” experience.

Walk of shame: You do it once, you’ll be back again.  It’s not you, it’s “the drunk you” just remember that.  The best excuse in the book.

“I’m not talking to her again”: Two days later you are best friends.

Late night food binge: This once is impossible to avoid.  You always wake up and think of yourself as a god damn sumo (’cause let’s face it all the calories in the alcohol were MORE than enough).  However, you are choosing between feeling like shit and being sick or eating while drunk (arguably the most fun part of the night).  In a drunken state of mind, you will always choose eating.

Fall for assholes: “I’m done with assholes.” This is my favorite.  Obviously you never thought the guy was an asshole before you guys started talking.  Guys don’t walk around with “asshole” on their forehead.  You just never know, so you can’t say your done with them.  Look at the bright side, assholes are good looking.  I WANT an asshole!

Blackout: “I’m never drinking that much again.”  This is a very unrealistic mindset and the person is usually still drunk while saying it.  I always hand my friends a flyer to an “AA” meeting because if they are serious about never drinking again, they need a support group and all I will be doing is screaming “SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!”

Let’s keep the house CLEAN: Three days later the house is a mess again.

Hangovers: From now on I am going to just have a few when I go out.  Then minutes later you realize you are in “college” and everyone is blacked out around you.  One thing leads to another and you are hungover.

I’m not responding to his texts: After a few beers you find yourself sexting back.

“I’m done with him/her”: This typically happens during the end or rough patch of a relationship.  The person always claims that you are DONE.  However, one tequila, two tequila later you are sleeping together again

Ugly People: Everyone has a hook up they regret, but to say “never again” is bs.  Face it, everyone is horny.  Guys, that girl was fat. However, if you don’t stop drinking you feel fat again.  Ladies, that stage-5 clinger with the littlest itty bitty weiner.  You might think, “never again” that small!  But yes again, unfortunately small penis’s are a creature of this world and hard to avoid.  When ladies find Mr. Big, they lock that up.  Just be lucky you regret this guy based off his looks and incompetent sexual knowledge, that is much better than meeting Mr. Sexy of your dreams and then find out he is smaller than the last little boy’s diaper you changed while babysitting. What a let down that could have been.