The Shape Up Disaster

The Shape Up Disaster

After living a year in the bubble that is college, I’ve come home only to find that our country has a major epidemic on their hands. And it may be worse than the 1918 Spanish Influenza. America riddle me this, why have you decided to torture me with this invention of Shape-Ups? Today in an hour span, I saw 12 pairs of Shape-Ups. Three were on men. Yeah let that sink in. I’m already antagonized every time I walk into a mall and am accosted with the decisions people have made in the name of “personal fashion”, but I’ve managed to push down the rising bile. However with the invention and then proliferation of these “shoes” (I hesitate to put Shape-Ups in the same category that I put my Alice & Olivia Suede Pumps) you can witness me suppressing dry heaves in the mall and then actively searching and using trashcans at Wal-Mart. America we have a real, and I mean serious as shit problem if we have somehow convinced the masses that by simply wearing a shoe they will lose weight. Especially a shoe that looks like it sponsored the Ringer. I don’t care how aerodynamic the shoe could be, or if NASA used them to propel Apollo 21 off freaking Venus, they’re not going to help you lose weight. Well that is unless that hideous fat heel is holding a portable liposuction machine, and in that case discard all I have said. Every time I see some 45 year-old, hugely obese woman, wearing the shoe, my heart bleeds for her because somewhere in the recesses of her...
A Letter to my Sticky Boobs

A Letter to my Sticky Boobs

Dear Sticky Boobs, Sorry to be breaking you the bad news via a public forum, but it’s just one of those things that I think everyone deals with. We can be an example. We can make history. We’ve had some fun times together, SB, but I think your shelf life is up. We’ve been through a lot and I want to thank you for all your hard work and determination. However, rather than the constant support I was expecting from you, you’ve basically just taught me what I don’t want in a relationship. In the beginning when you first get home from Target and I opened the package, you could not look more perfect. Not a scratch or gross piece of dirt defiled your appearance. Your potential was endless. Our potential was endless. Our first few dates together were magical–that one date party when we looked awesome in that strapless dress. That one time at that mixer when I wore the lacy back. You made me a better person. (And a bigger cup size). But then the magic slowly wore off. Suddenly, you weren’t there for me as much as I needed you. You started to slip. And some of that was my fault, I understand. I really shouldn’t have worn you to that football game in the heat. The final straw, however, was that date party I took you to. It started off amazing, and because of you I looked great in my shear white dress. I don’t know what got into you though… perhaps it was the hours of dancing or maybe it was the cranberry vodkas....
A Mildly Indecent Proposal: Leggings as Pants

A Mildly Indecent Proposal: Leggings as Pants

“I hate is when girls wear leggings that show off their ass” said no guy ever. We get it: technically speaking leggings are not pants. They are meant to be worn under longer tops due to the fact that they are made of a thin knit combination of cotton and spandex that clings to everything. But is that really such a bad thing? In recent years, there has been a war on leggings. Angry Facebook pages titled “Leggings aren’t Pants!” graced the news feeds of just about every college-aged human being. Angry girls can be heard scoffing at the sight of an innocent legging-clad booty. Really, what makes leggings any different than their yoga pant peers? They are made from the same stretchy material, generally come in the same color, and tend to fit the body in the exact same way. So her leggings don’t have “Love Pink” sewn across the back in sequined stitching, they’re automatically unacceptable? In a world of daily hangovers, lack of sleep, and eight AM classes, any chick dressed to the nines is simply untrustworthy. Rolling out of bed smelling of booze and bad decisions, leggings are the go-to clothing choice. There’s something to be said about the extreme comfort leggings posses that other clothing options simply cannot compete with. For that matter, guys don’t ever have to toss comfort aside when getting dressed for class. Those basketball shorts you all wear could easily be compared to leggings. Sure they might not be as graciously clingy as leggings, but they too can be a little revealing. Yes, everything is covered, but newsflash guys: we...
The Creatures of Springtime

The Creatures of Springtime

If you aren’t fortunate enough to attend school where the temperature is never below 65 degrees like myself and many other college students, then you know how exciting it is when the weather begins to warm up. Unlike all you bastards down south or on the west coast, us less-fortunate students don’t get to tan in between classes, or walk around campus wearing shorts and flip-flops in February. The mid 40’s feels like summer to us come March, and a day where we only have to wear a NorthFace to class is a good one. Since warm weather is such a rare occurrence for us, we go f*cking wild once the spring comes. On a warm day I see kids who I’ve never seen in my goddamn life come out of hiding. People are done hibernating and ready to feel the sun on their face, strip off a few layers of clothing, day drink, and bang anything that moves. Every type of creature comes out to play, so beware of who you may come across once the temperature begins to climb. Weather Confused Whores You give this type of creature an inch, and she takes a mile. You saw her wearing boots, a scarf, and a winter jacket last week but now she’s prancing around campus wearing Hollister short-shorts. Meanwhile, the temperature has only gone from 40-55 degrees. She’s been so incredibly anxious to show off her assets all winter and she didn’t have any clean Victoria’s Secret yoga pants to wear. This creature is the definition of an attention whore and doesn’t care that every other female student...
A (female) defender of yoga pants

A (female) defender of yoga pants

Like most students avoiding studying on this dreary February afternoon, I was perusing The College Town life when I came across an article entitled “An Open Plea to Females”. Naturally, being the curious female that I am, clicked the link expecting a hilarious satirical piece on collegiate women. Sadly, I was mistaken. Here was a girl, probably not unlike me, judging the way that other university girls dress on campus! So here I am, before you all, protecting what may be one of the world’s most unoriginal fashion choices. I’ve got a bone to pick. The author of “An Open Please to Females,” notes how women across all North American campuses dress the same. I don’t know if you, dear sassy author, have ever been to a  liberal arts college or (gasp), a CANADIAN university, but this simply isn’t true. There are times when I roll out of bed in my favorite pair of ex-bf sweats to write a 9am exam, only to be confronted in ladies of all cultural backgrounds fiercely rocking skirts, dresses, leggings, shorts & tights combinations, or whatever else piques their fancy in arctic weather. So before you get all high and mighty on me about the “collegiate woman’s uniform”, I say, nay this is not true. Another thing that grinds my gears is the assumption that because some women choose to dress in a similar fashion, that we are all ubiquitously ‘the same’. ‘Same’ in every sense of the word. I don’t know about you, but I don’t personally l-o-v-e every girl I see sporting the same Canada Goose jacket as me. I rarely...