The only thing better than a group of friends is a group of alcoholic friends. You may think your besties as an extension of yourself in a different body… but you only know so much about a person until you get them absolutely blacked the fuck out. The type of alcoholic you are is just like the zodiac. We’re all different, however instead of categorizing this shit by your birthday, your alcoholic type is probably categorized by the shit you decide to put into your body—Vodka-Red, Te-KILL-Ya, C-Mo, Mind Eraser… etc. But that would take forever. You’re in here somewhere, so figure it out.
The Fast Food Alcoholic – This alcoholic doesn’t give two fucks about anything. They’re that friend who takes the perfect amount of time to get ready, drinks consistently within the boundaries of two types of liquor, and reaches the right amount of ‘fucked up.’ They’ll be fun in the club and tend to avoid the ensuing drama everyone else is concerned about. CASE IN POINT — this is the friend that screams “JACK IN THE BOX” right when everyone fastens their seat belts to go home. The only reason they agree to go out with you is for that 2-star meal they’ll order at Taco Bell, acting like it’s the best thing they’ve every put past their lips because they’re so fucked up and even dog shit would taste amazing. This is the friend that will become violent with the DD in the event that he/she does not agree to drive their ass to get some fucking fast food. Heed warning: Do NOT come between Fast Food and the Fast Food Alcoholic. Give them what they want, when they want it.
The Anorexic Alcoholic – If you’ve got a friend who refuses to eat anything before proceeding to get fucked up, odds are she is an Anorexic Alcoholic. This is the bitch who either 1) refuses to let food come between her and depression, or 2) gets carried away on a stretcher every time you go out. The Anorexic Alcoholic is the one who waits in the car while the Fast Food Alcoholic attends mass at Carl’s Jr. The Anorexic Alcoholic always wears the least amount of clothing and ends up blacked out first. Problem is, she’ll keep drinking even when losing function in her legs. That bitch will crawl to the bar.
The White Girl Alcoholic – You ever see a 115-pound girl spit the line “I can totally out-drink you” to a 240-pound running back? Other than the fact that she’s probs a snow-bunny, she’s definitely the White Girl Alcoholic. This is the friend who drinks for the sole purpose of attention from the opposite sex. The White Girl Alcoholic will always end up puking in your grandmother’s urn and singing Katy Perry while no one else gives a fuck.
The Ghetto Alcoholic – White or black, the Ghetto Alcoholic is the friend who drinks to the point where they enter their internal parallel universe where they once lived as an absolute G. Every other word is ‘nigga,’ they walk with a gangsta lean, and refuse to let you walk away when they’re trying to show off the one Rick Ross song they’ve memorized perfectly. Famous line: ‘Nigga this party wack, I’m tryna get some ass so let’s dip out this bitch.’ Ever seen a white person say that? I have…. I have.
The Millionaire Alcoholic – This is the friend who blacks out elated as fuck and decides they’re completely loaded, oblivious to the actual pathetic amount in their bank account. The Millionaire Alcoholic refuses to let anyone drink unless they’re the ones to pay for it, and is usually the one you’ll find passed out in a corner buying $300 worth of shit online. Ever wake up with receipts in your bra? Yeah, that’s probably you.
The ‘Best Friend’ Alcoholic – Everyone’s got a best friend alcoholic. But do not be mistaken, the ‘Best Friend’ Alcoholic is NOT your best friend. This is the person who walks around the bar telling anyone and everyone that they want to be your best friend. This usually goes along with compliments that have nothing to do with you. You probably have no idea who this person is and they’re still like “I’ve always thought you were like, an amazing person. We need to hang out more. We need to be best friends!” Don’t be fooled… they just said the same thing to the homeless person outside.
The Budgeted Alcoholic – This is the best kind of alcoholic. This person won’t spend more than $20, but will still be wasted off of two tall AMFs with extra Te-Kill-Ya. They never bring their credit card, and always stash extra 1’s in the titties. Just in case. Just in case.
The Marvin’s Room Alcoholic – Drake is a genius only because he made millions writing a song about drunk dialing. Bitch please, I could do that shit. The Marvin’s Room Alcoholic is the friend who isolates themselves in the corner of the club staring at their thumbs the entire fucking night, begging their ex-significant other to take them back. Three words: PA-THET-IC. The Marvin’s Room Alcoholic is the one who pisses everyone off because on the way to Jack in the Box they’re crying in the backseat while everyone else is happy about nothing. Don’t be that friend. The worst.
The Philosophic Alcoholic – The BEST. The Philosophic Alcoholic is that person whose side effects of immense alcohol intake is identical to those of someone who just inhaled a quarter ounce of marijuana. This is the person who stares at a spot on the wall and questions the essence of life according to that spot on the wall. They talk about shit that you’d only hear Gandhi say, and they are usually the ones you’d find debating the politics of Disney movies with a random stranger at the bar. Everything they say ends up on Twitter and they justify your choice to go out because, at the end of the night you feel somewhat more intelligent having listened to their drunken theories.
The Photogenic Alcoholic – Sorority girls and Instagram whores create the essence of the Photogenic Alcoholic. These are the alcoholics who do nothing but take 87 pictures of themselves in the same spot, in multiple spots of the bar. You’ve seen it all: The Sorority Squat, The Duck Face, The Arched Back-Ass Flatter, Kissing Your Best Friend, Flipping off the Lens. Once they black out it’s like kryptonite.
Who wants a drink? I’ll drink to that.