You think you’ve got something pretty great going on- don’t you? Or at least you’re on the road to something serious, right? But girl if you see any of these signs on the reg- baby you are his slam pig. Yes- pig, not piece, don’t get it twisted. Time to grow your own sack and kick this loser to the curb before you get too invested.
1. You’ve never really met his friends- or vice versa
Sure you’ve seen them beer bonging or playing pong at the bar together. He’s even mentioned their names a couple of times- but you’ve never actually hung out with them. They recognize you, but avoid using your name because they simply don’t know it. When he goes out with the boys he doesn’t invite you- and hunny he’s not going to anytime soon. He probably doesn’t know your friends either-unless one of them has Double D’s.
2. He foots the bar tab but has never brought you on a real date
Oh look at him, he is so nice to buy you that 2 dollar draft beer (that you hate) at the bar. But he’s never asked you out on a real date- one that requires him to pay for something more than just alcohol. This is really one of his smartest tricks because on the surface this seems like a nice gesture, but in actuality he’s hoping to get you drunk enough so he can get some later.
3. You only hook-up intoxicated
Sober sex? Totally out of the question for a variety of reasons. Sure he’s probably afraid he’ll blow his load too soon, but really if the sex is sober and it’s more intimate and god you might actually realize how small he is or how awful his moves are. Plus he’s not interested in cuddling, he wants to get off and fall asleep, preferably in his own bed without you in it.
4. He dips out as soon as he wakes up in the AM
Oh god is it already 10:30? He has got to go. Screw eating breakfast with you or spending anytime looking at you without your makeup on. Unless you’re going to give him a morning blowie he gets dressed and rushes out the door within 5 minutes of waking up. He must have so much stuff to do.
5. He hits on other women in close proximity to you
This one has a double meaning: he either hits on other women when you’re out, but a reasonable distance away from him or he hits on women you know but probably aren’t best friends with. Why? Because he can. You’re his slam pig and really who said he can only have one?
6. He knows your name and pretty much nothing else
Who has time to talk about dreams, goals, or interests when they are busy slapping a rubber on! And seriously do you really want to distract him during this difficult task? The more he knows you the closer you are to dating.
7. He is too busy with school work Sunday-Wednesday
Need I explain this one? You hook up Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night. But actual contact during the regular week is non-existant. He clearly will go out with his friends, hit on other girls, but give you the call at 2 AM trying to meet up with you cause he misses you (aka he didn’t get any!)
8. He uses one word answers when you bring up relationship talk
“You care about me right?” “This is going somewhere isn’t it?” “I really like you.” Yes, these sentences are coming out of your mouth and his thoughts are something like “Is she talking right now? I see her mouth moving, but really is she speaking?” All his answers will simply be a smile and a “yeah.”
9. You feel the need to ALWAYS look good when you see him
Shaved legs? Check! Shaved poon? Duh! Makeup and hair- already flawless. And yes you’re definitely wearing something he has never seen you in before. God forbid he sees you wearing comfortable sweat pants and old flip flops. However, this one ladies is entirely your fault. You did this to yourself.
10. Meeting the family
He hides his family like he hides his porn collection under his bed. When mom and dad are in town he acts like you died. No one is meeting his brothers because you are his SLAM PIG!
11. He has never called you… only texts…occasionally
Sure he’ll text you, on Friday night when he’s ready to stick it in you. You’ve never heard how his voice sounds on the phone and when you do call him he definitely doesn’t answer. Although I bet you can expect a text message five hours later saying something like “Wanna meet up?”
12. He won’t eat you out
Let’s face it, he’ll take the dome, and he’ll stick it in you, but when it comes to the only tongue twister, NOT HAPPENING. I mean you’re not going to ask and he’s not going to try. This is the ultimate Slam Pig rule all men live by: eat out a princess, get blown by a slam pig. #CTL
Submitted by: AD