The Chinese Food Theory

In CTL, Sex & Dating by Kat HealyLeave a Comment

Ive been told (though I’m not quite sure if this is just some extremely well thought out lie put on the back of cereal boxes) that when you meet the one, you automatically know. You just know, and if you don’t know then they simply aren’t the one.  What if you’re too busy making sure you don’t trip over your feet to be worried about that stuff? Or what if you’re not even ready to be thinking about The One? What if you’re just trying to figure out if you should change someone’s name in your phone from “Guy with the Shirt” to “Chris”? WHAT IF YOU DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE READY FOR THAT TYPE OF COMMITMENT? Bam. I got you. If a relationship, hook up, friends with benefit, etc is meant to be taken to that “Sunday Night” kinda thing, it must first pass the Chinese Food Test. The idea: If you can eat Chinese food with them, you got a winner. Here’s why:

  1. Nobody looks good eating Chinese food.  Show me someone that looks cute eating Chinese food and I will show you a clone of Zooey Deschanel. You’re supposed to splatter soy sauce, spill rice, and slurp noodles. Splatter, Spill, Slurp. If a guy wants to take you out in public after your shirt looks like a kindergartener finger painted with soy sauce, you have found someone  who is really special. Or blind. Or a homeless man. Either way, it’s fine.
  2. Chinese Food is meant to make you feel fat.  This is what I would like to refer to as the Ultimate Cuisine Oxymoron. You’re full, but you want more. You want and need a second helping of Lo Mein and nothing in God’s green earth can stop you from that. Except for maybe the mere thought of drunkenly eating that noodlely goodness later on. There have been points, sad but very raw and honest points, in my life where I thought about calling #1 Chinese Food again for seconds. That a side, if you are with a guy that is trying to tame your inner Kobayashi, stop and lift your head up from that carton of fried rice. That harsh scent is the smell of judgment not Wonton Soup. Take a look up from your beloved fried rice, which has never asked anything of you, only wanting to make you happy. Look at who is sitting across from you. Imagine what their mother is like. Choose the Rice.  Always choose the Rice.
  3. You don’t smell nice. Okay, listen I know that it is rumored that if girls actually do fart it is only in the form Care Bears, and daises, and other things you would find on Taylor Swift’s Pintrest Board, but I’m here to drop some serious knowledge.  I have never once “powdered my nose” in the bathroom. And there are no ducks in my living room. I fart and so do you. And if you want to date me and love me and hold me and have me suck anything besides soy sauce off my fingers then we need to except the fact that I am a human.
  4. Confucius says…. There is an old Chinese saying “Those that share Chinese food will live a happy life.” That roughly translates that our orders need to be somewhat compatible. I mean, really, what girl doesn’t want to share a General Tso’s with the man of her dreams? Who doesn’t want to fight over the last piece of beef?  Those are the moments Disney couldn’t show us. Too real, ya know?
  5. The future theory.  You open a fortune cookie with someone you are bonded together by some weird mystical force. Well, maybe not, but still. It’s always a nice idea to open  a fortune cookie with someone who you can consider waking up to. But if you end up with someone who actually likes the taste of fortune cookies, ditch ‘em then. You’ll thank me later on.(Side note: This “theory” can be substituted with any food that smells weird and has a side of rice)