So, I usually try to avoid watching anything having to do with the Kardashians, (except Khloe & Lamar, cause let’s be real they’re freaking adorable). This is primarily because they annoy the absolute crap out of me, mostly because they’re like billionaires but still exploit every aspect of their lives and the fact they all use that really irritating soft spoken baby prostitute voice in their interviews. However, due to the events of the 72 day marriage divorce scandal I obviously had to watch the train wreck unfold in the new season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York Sunday nights on E!. So far I’ve not been the least bit disappointed. If you thought the “Fairy-tale” Wedding Special was as spectacularly awk as I did, than you probably are stalking this show just like me. I’m just going to say right now, the timing of the divorce must be one of the greatest PR stunts in history considering it brought in like 3.2 million viewers in for K&K take NY, so some serious kudos to you for that Kimmy.
To all of you who haven’t jumped on the band wagon yet, here are some reasons why you need to start watching ASAP…
- Watching Kim & Kris’s relationship is probably 384 times more uncomfortable than watching an episode of FriendZone on MTV, which if you’ve seen that show you know that’s saying a lot. So many questions enter the mind, “Is this a joke?” “Why is he throwing her around like a rag doll?” “Is he really that socially awkward or is he just bad at reading the teleprompter?” “She really waited as long as 72 days to divorce from this?” “Did she honestly think this would work out or was she just super desperate/delusional?” Now this may sound harsh, but there is nothing more fascinating than watching as a relationship crumbles in front of you, especially when it’s celebrities. The added fact that it’s Kim Kardashian makes things that much better because she’s probably the richest, yet neediest woman on this planet.
- Not only do you get to see the unraveling of the most awkward “marriage” in the history mankind, but you also get the bonus of witnessing the dysfunctional relationship that is Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. They don’t ever sleep in the same room because she shares the bed with their toddler (I know WTF, right?). I find this even more concerning now that she’s supposedly pregs again…so I’m real jazzed to see how that all plays out.
- Kourt & Scott’s 2 year old son Mason is the cutest little bugger you’ll ever see and he will probably single handedly bring back the mullet.
With all of fabulous hysteria unfolding before your very eyes, what could make it better than getting absolutely smashed at the same time? So, without further ado I present to you the Kourtney & Kim Take New York Drinking Game:
Side-note*to all those who are unaware Kris is the name of her husband. Yes, I know her moms name is Kris too which is super creepy/confusing/not okay, but for the purpose of this game know that Kris is referring to the tall douche bag basketball player that is her spouse*
- Kim & Kris are fighting
- Scott & Kourtney are fighting
- You feel awkward just watching
- You grow concerned by the dysfunction surrounding poor little Mason
- Kris “rough plays”/looks like he abuses Kim
- You find it very amusing that Kris “rough plays”/looks like he abuses Kim
- Kim complains
- Kim cries
- Kim becomes overly dramatic (ex: calling Khloe an ugly troll because she woke her up an hour early…)
- Kim gets bit by one of Kris’s dogs
- Kris looks extremely confused
- Kris says a really stupid suggestion and/or statement
- You have to remind yourself that although Kris is hot, he is an asshole with the maturity of a 10 year old
- Someone in the family insinuates Kim by saying something to the nature that she and Kris being together is a God awful idea
- Kris moves out
- Kris moves back in
- Scott moves out
- Scott moves back in
- Scott gets drunk
- Kourtney gets mad that Scott gets drunk
- Mason has a more expensive outfit on than you do
- Mason wears a little man hat, scarf, and/or ascot
- Mason is too adorable for you to handle
- Kourtney and/or Kim make an appearance at a party or event
- You wish it was the episode where Kim & Kris just put everyone out of their misery and just get divorced already
- You try to remember why in the hell the Kardashian’s are even famous in the first place
- You want to change the channel, but you just can’t bring yourself to do it
Now by the time an episode is over you should be about 7-10 drinks in. If a marathon is on (which is a daily occurrence) you should’ve killed a handle or 2. Never the less, these rules above will get you adequately intoxicated.
However, if by some divine entertainment god given miracle one of the following events occurs, you need to take things to a whole different level…
CHUG YOUR DRINK & TAKE 5 SHOTS:
- Lamar Odom beats the shit out of Kris
- Khloe beats the shit out of Kris
- Kris comes out that he’s gay
- A Kim & Kris sex tape is leaked
- E! comes out with “Kim’s Not-so-Fairytale Divorce” 2 hour special
- Mason runs away (more power to you buddy, we’d all do the same thing in your situation)
- Kourtney & Scott actually get married
- Anyone goes to rehab
At the end of the day, as much as I say I hate the Kardashians I must admit that in reality I love them. Without them, my life would be .0013% less interesting. They’re dysfunction not only distracts me from my school work, but they give me hope that one day I’ll become famous for no apparent reason too.
On that note, Ryan Seacrest, hit me up.