You’ve heard all the reasons: it strengthens your heart, improves circulation, lengthens lifespan, blah blah blah, no one cares. None of these reasons have gotten your lazy butt to the gym this winter, have they? Probably not, but that’s because nobody’s honest about why they go to the gym. So here are the top 5 real reasons you should get out of bed (It’s 4 p.m.) and get exercising.
1. Your ex-boyfriend still Facebook stalks you.
Whether he broke up with you or you broke up with him, nobody wants their ex to see pictures of them and think, “When did those thunder thighs happen?” Think about spring formals next year. You obviously want your date to be ten times hotter than your ex’s. The only way that’s going to happen is if you’re ten times hotter than you were when you dated them. It’s totes logical! Put down the remote, and get to the gym.
2. That anti-cellulite lotion isn’t doing a damn thing.
You know all that money you spent on anti-cellulite lotion/cream/meditation last year? If you had used that for a gym membership, that cottage cheese on the back of your legs would actually have disappeared. Cellulite is fat deposits trapped under the skin. Unless you have some magical lotion that seeps deep into your tissue and fights away cellulite (you don’t) then the only way to actually do something about it is by moving! Put down the pizza slice, and get to the gym.
3. It’s winter break.
Go Facebook stalk the girls you hated in high school—the ones who are about 20 pounds heavier and check-in at McDonald’s. Well, duh, you want to look better than them. Don’t be that girl that no one recognized back home because her profile picture is still her senior portrait, and now, 4 years later, she looks like Rosie O’Donnell meets Kirstie Alley. Ew. Put down the Dr. Pepper, and get to the gym.
4. Free drinks.
Nobody is buying fat girls drinks. In this economy!? Please. You need to be at least an 8 for that bro at the end of the bar to send a vodka-tonic (two limes please) your way. And honey, ain’t nobody an 8 if they’re sitting at 180. Screw occupying Wall Street, go occupy a treadmill. Put down the ice cream, and get to the gym.
5. Better sex.
“But I like my sex life just fine, thank you.” Shut up. No you don’t. And neither does your partner. You want to be on bottom all the time, he gets bored, he cheats on you, you get upset, eat a pint of ice cream, gain MORE weight, etc. It’s a vicious cycle, lady. When you’ve been working out and feel good about yourself (look at you, Adriana Lima!) you will be more willing to put yourself in positions you used to think weren’t flattering. And you’re right, they weren’t. But when you have a hot bod even “The Octopus” can’t make you look bad. (Seriously, look it up.) Put down the Twix, and get to the gym.
I could tell you that exercising helps with breathing efficiency, improves posture, reduces blood pressure…and it does, but those things aren’t making you go work out. When you hear your ex is dating a girl fatter than you, when you’re the hottest Spring Breaker in Cabo and when you have enough money to buy those Louboutins you’ve been eyeing because you haven’t bought a drink in a year; then you’ll thank me. We don’t work out because we want to breathe better, we work out because we want to look better. Put down the cheeseburger and get to the gym.
Stay betchy (and skinny),