vodka

Things I Wish Existed

  1. 0 Calorie Alcohol and 0 Calorie junk food.
    Lets be honest ladies the majority of your calorie intake isn’t coming from the piece of lettuce and tomato piece you call a salad. If you’re gaining weight it’s because of the amount of alcohol you consumed that clouded your judgment. This led to you thinking that an 800 calorie burrito from chipotle was only 80 calories. Oh and the beer you’ve been drinking so much of at the frat? Those add up. I don’t think a frat star has your calorie intake in mind when he’s purchasing the beers for the party. Also who are you kidding you’re not going to the gym. In theory, it’s a great Idea but realistically id rather be eating or doing anything else with my time.
  2. Teleportation
    There are so many occasions I wished this existed. For starters you’re going to your friends apartment but there’s one problem, Its in Guam. Nothing is cute about face planting every five seconds because your heels and the cobblestones don’t exactly like each other. If we had teleportation we would have about 30 minutes extra to get ready and pre game. I wouldn’t have to worry about catching a bus so I can get to the party before it got broken up. Teleportation would mean no more embarrassing walks of shame and no more getting your picture on CTL because you were in a skirt and heels at 8am.  Need to pee at Fiji? Transport yourself back to your dorm because who knows what diseases lurk in the fraternity bathroom. Which brings me to my next wish.
  3. Clean Fraternity bathrooms.
    I think frat guys are drunk 24/7 because who would voluntarily live in a house that looks so bad with a bathroom worthy of being on fear factor. How can you shower in a bathroom with vomit stained walls and the smell of regret still lingering from Saturday’s party? It would be ok if they just had that bathroom for overly drunk girl use only but the fact that I see towels and shower stuff in the corners concerns me. I’m pretty positive you were cleaner before you took a shower in that bathroom. I’m sorry boys but that is the one thing I don’t understand about you. You should look up the word hygiene and apply it to yourself.
  4. A newspaper that tells me what I did the night before and my moral compass.
    In theory blacking out sounds like a great idea. You don’t have to take responsibility for your actions because you were too drunk to realize. Blacking out isn’t fun. That feeling when you wake up and not knowing what you did sucks. When your asshole friend lies about shit you did as a joke, that’s not fun but you blacked out so you might as well figure out what you’re body did while your mind took a weekend trip to black out city. Just imagine waking up and picking up a newspaper that tells you about your night. You’d always make the front cover and the sections range from stupid decisions to guys I got with. No longer would you have to dissect each unflattering Facebook picture of you to piece together your night. No more decoding and unscrambling the texts and tweets from last night’s adventures. It would be super convenient but the fact that you did what you did last night still remains. This brings me too my next point. I wish a moral compass existed while I was drunk. For some reason my drunk alter ego isn’t equip with this vital part of life. When my mind switches from semi responsible Laura to very irresponsible Jacklyn nothing good comes out of it.

If those things existed life would be easier and so much better. For all you nerds reading this in the hopes you can be cool, invent these and you will make all the friends you want.  Please feel free to comment below on what you wish existed!



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