Yes I am a freshman. Yes I am lost. No I don’t know how to get alcohol around here yet. Yeah, Im probably dressed too nicely for 8am class. Hell yeah I got wayyy to drunk at the grimiest frat house around last night and woke up with my clown makeup smeared all over my face and a million drunk tweets and uploads that reek of regret. I’m most likely wearing my lanyard around my neck with the key the gets me into my dorm, which by the way I think is pretty damn great even though in reality it’s some shitty cement 13×8 cell.
All You Sophomore, Junior, and Senior Boys Out There:
You aren’t fooling any of us. We know what you’re up to. Ever think that maybe we’re using you too? Lets get a few things straight:
- This is a huge place. I can be a slut if I want to because no one will ever find out and even if they do we are always ready to use the ever popular “YOLO”. You may think you’re being really smooth or that tenth beer really helped you step up your game, but I already decided before I drunkenly grinded all up on you against a sweaty basement wall that I was going to have an upperclassmen taste left in my mouth. Every girl goes through a slutty phase, and some of us are just choosing to go through it at a time where no one else will ever find out.
- Speaking of being drunk, Ive been at school for about three weeks now and you know how much money I’ve spent on alcohol? Abso-fucking-lutely none. And I’ve gone out on every thursday, friday and saturday. There are suckers like you that will think I’ll go home with you back to your dirty apartment and head on down to pound town for a few cups of jungle juice and some shots of a Popov. Don’t be surprised when you can’t find me as soon as we leave your pre game. “ugh sorry we lost you last night =(((( but see you at your apartment later tonight and we can go out again ;)”. The wink face gets you every time.
- While we are considered “inexperienced” to all of you, we’ve talked to boys before. We know the games and are no fools. You telling me on the first night I meet you that you would just loveeee to take me out on a date tomorrow is not wooing me out of my tight skirt and into your twin size bed because I think you’re my soulmate. Laying down lines like that are much more likely to make me laugh than to impress me.
- Also in regards to feeding us lines and us girls laughing in your face, anyone who uses anything close to the line “you can stay over if you want” please expect me to laugh in your face as if you were some creepy high school kid trying to hit on me. Oh can I stay over? Gee thanks you’re totally doing me a super solid cause I’m sure you expect nothing at all, especially since you got me drunk and smoked me out. Gosh you’re such a pal. Oh I can stay in your bed??? Wo0o0o0o0ow how kind of you!!!! So you’re going to stay on the couch then right? My second night out I was feed this line and was drunk and ballsy enough to call him out on it. He tried to cover it up with a “oh we have plenty of beds” but the damage was done. Sorry boy, bye.
- Let me introduce you to the concept of networking. The minute a cutthroat freshman walks into the party, they look for whoever looks like they’re running the place and make their move. With my shirt pulled down, skirt hiked up and red lipstick freshly applied in the most obvious freshman way, I slyly ask where a couple of girls could find the drinks at and boom just like that we cut any kind of wait there might have been at the keg and now I’m talking to the party starter. I’ll laugh at all your jokes and probably dance to a couple Deadmau5 songs showing of my best stripper moves I learned from rap videos and held back at prom that most likely make you get a chub, then were exchanging numbers and you tell me how we should hang out more and you’ll text me whenever you have party. You know how many times a do that a weekend? At least four. It’s been three weeks and I’ve obtained at least eight upperclassmen’s number who have some kind of pull at different party houses and frats on campus. Limitless. And all my bitties and I always have plans before it’s even wednesday. Remind me again who’s really benefiting from who?
To All The Ladies:
- I don’t know what the problem is. Oh I’m sorry that the guys who used to pay attention to you no longer want to pull you out on the dance floor so you can shake your groove thang and probably spill your drink on his shoes. Is that really my fault?
- I actually heard a girl say she wanted to fight a freshman girl, and how trashy and obvious we are. Listen girlfriend, my pushup bra and shimmer covered tata’s are doing their job. You may be older, but you saw me cut the line to the jungle juice didn’t you?
- Maybe you should’ve networked better, you would probably know the entire party circuit by now and have the entire text list of weekend parties in your inbox when you leave for the exclusive pre game with ciroc on thirsty Thrusday in an off campus apartment. Or maybe you networked a little too much and are last years leftovers, but regardless you did it to yourself. Don’t take it out on me like how you took out your daddy issues on the soccer team, basketball team and every boy who lives on frat row.
- Honestly, I’d like to be best friends with a few of you and trust me you might want us. Every party likes girls and new girls are even better. Haven’t seen a frat house turn down any 18 year old girls like um ever. I want your connections and knowledge you gained in your previous years being bad bitch on campus. We can help each other out here, big sister little sister, Eminem and 50 Cent style, except with a lot more alcohol and bad decisions.
- So when it comes down to it, all you big boys and girls on campus, do not underestimate the freshman. We might look like kids to you and have a “iM DUUmmmMMMbbB && s00o0o0o DrunNNKKkk” face that could fool even seasoned pros, but in case you may have forgotten, high school’s a brutal world and we are ready to tear out the neck of any lioness who think they can get in our way. Watchout, cut-throat freshman coming through and we’ll finish that bottle of smirnoff and see you again next weekend.