Once upon a time, my friends and I decided we need to be able to categorize what type of drunk we are at any given time. Telling me you’re “sooooo drUnkkkkk” isn’t going to let me know if I need to hop on my white horse and save you from sort of beast. However, if you text me a Disney princess, well- that’s a different story all together.
Jasmine– I’m sorry, but you know you’re a slut, right? Not only are you a slut, but you’re the worst type. You keep going on and on about how you want to show a guy your “whole new world”. Something about how you just know you’re a tiger in the bedroom. But what really is getting your friends all worried is that the guy you’re hooking up with is not only something of a townie who smells like a monkey. I mean, yeah, you rock that belly shirt, but we all know it’s crystal clear that you have serious Daddy issues.
Snow White– You have seven guys around you at all times. You just got into a fight with some sort of female figure, and you’re trying to figure out if living in a frat house would really be “that bad”. You keep on tidying up after Flip Cup. You’re drunk enough to think that short guys aren’t really anything but men with misunderstood emotions. You’re into labels. On a complete unrelated note, you also just realized you have a hidden talent of being the best whistler ever.
Sleeping Beauty– You might have pricked your finger on a wine opener. Either way, you’re passed out, somewhere. Maybe in a corner, maybe on the couch. Regardless, people assume that they have to fight some sort of reptilian beast to awake you. Really, you’re just a bit of snorer after too many keg stands. (Sidenote: If your friend text you zzzzz or something about Aurora, you go Fairy Godmother on her ass. There is a difference between a damsel in distress and damsel who will wake up with sharpie on her.)
Ariel– Under the Sea, under the influence. You’re so drunk you probably have already lost your voice, and forgotten how to walk. Now ordinarily, I would think you were the girl, the girl who has everything. But, sometime between floundering around the room, you realized you’ve lost all your gadgets and gizmos. Whozits are staring at your whatzits. Plus, you keep going on and on about 20 thingamabobs. Oh, and are crabs really a girl’s best friend? You poor, unfortunate soul.
Cinderella– You maybe the life of the party but there is a pretty good chance you’ll be on your knees tonight. You’re the girl that doesn’t give one magic pumpkin what you look like during the day, but at the ball, erm, party you cleaned up pretty nice. You keep on going on and on about how you have to leave soon because you have to “wake up with the birds” tomorrow morning. The guy you’re hooking up with has a foot fetish.
Pocahontas– You’re so high you can feel the colors of the wind. You have no shoes. You’re singing. You’re practicing your warrior cry about some environmental issues and are trying to convince a Frat guy to go dumpster diving with you. You’re making eyes at some guy’s sycamore and will probably try and free his dog later tonight.
Belle– A tale as old as time, you’re a drunk girl with serious relationship issues. When you’re drunk, you’ve been known to speak the few French phrases you learned in high school. You recently broke up with a total douche and all you really want to be doing is studying. However, tomorrow morning you’ll find yourself a guest next to a guy with extreme back hair.
Mulan– You, son of a gun, you. Breaking your family’s heart tonight, huh? You were such a sweet girl, but now you’re off shotgunning with the boys and ending beer pong dynasties. Half way through the night, you’ll check out your reflection in the mirror and realize you ditched the sundress for a backwards cap and LAX pinny. They may have made a man out of you, but we all know that you’ll be showing them your Mushu later tonight. Here’s to happy endings!