What Your Facebook Profile Says About You

Facebook stalking, let’s be honest, we’ve all done it. It’s become quite the norm for our generation, and people that deny doing it are completely full of crap. The first impressions you make on Facebook have become just as important as those you make in person. As you aimlessly click through a person’s pictures and browse their friends list, here are some key things that you should make note of.

The lack of friends dude

If a guy has under 300 facebook friends, it could have a multitude of meanings. He might just not use his facebook often, which makes you wonder what he does in his free time. Why does he need a computer if he doesn’t use facebook? Does he spend a lot of time masturbating? He could solely use it just for stalking other people, which makes him a huge creep. Or, he could just not have a lot of friends. Any of these situations should be a red flag.

The too many friends dude


I find it very hard to believe that someone actually knows 4,000 people. How in the world did this guy accumulate so many friends? There’s no way that an average person can know this many people. They’re more than likely somewhat famous, which in college terms equates to being on the football or basketball team. If that’s not the case, they are probably promiscuous and have had sex with a large majority of their friends list. Most of the time, it’s a combination of both, and they’re probably just a slutty athlete.

The mirror pictures


Guys- I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. 1. What are you trying to show the world with this picture? Are you trying to show off your muscles? I don’t see them anywhere. 2. What is with the boxers? Are you trying to be patriotic? Was this taken on the 4th of July? 3. Why are you taller than the bathroom door? Is it a miniature bathroom, or are you just freakishly tall? 4. What’s with the serious face? Are you trying to prove how hardcore you are, or are you just severely constipated? Did you get sidetracked on the way to the toilet and pause for this pic? 5. Are your nipples lopsided?  Bottom line: if you are shirtless, you’re a tool. If you have a shirt on, you’re a douche. Pretty simple huh?

Girls- 90% of you are spending Friday night alone, so why not get all dressed up and take 30 pictures of yourself in the mirror until you find a sassy pose that makes your boobs look huge and your stomach look flat? Mirror pictures show that you have no friends except your imaginary ones standing in the bathroom with you.

The guy who gets into facebook fights on his wall


Why are you arguing with someone on your wall? Are you really that angry? If I start dating you, are you going to fight with me all the time too? You are a bad person.

The “no one has written on my wall since my birthday” dude


Your birthday was four months ago. Has nothing interesting happened within the past four months? Why do you even have a facebook if your only activity are your 50 facebook friends wishing you a happy birthday once a year?What are you doing with your life? People this boring do not deserve you, let alone your facebook friendship.

The emotional dude


There is so much wrong with this type of person. Why is their status so emo? Why are they posting this on the internet? Shouldn’t you be talking to your therapist about this kind of stuff? If you ever come across this type, they probably will want to talk about their feelings with you every day. It’s not okay, unless you’re into that kind of thing, which is also not okay.

The jean shorts dude


If you ever see something like this on a facebook profile, run.


Best of the Rest

Kissing Your Partner

This is only okay if it is an engagement/wedding picture or artistically framed. However, if you are french kissing your partner for the hell of it on my mini feed you look like a desperate idiot who is trying to show the world “look we are a happy couple. And I think you need to know it!” All you are showing is that you like looking like trailer trash. So be my guest.


Showing that you once were cute, but now you’re ugly as hell.

Plastered with a solo cup

People under 21: This person wants to show the world how cool they are that they access to alcohol.

People over 21: This person is irresponsible and needs AA already.

Kissy Face



Okay, I understand you and your friend were playing around with a camera and some of them turned out wonderful. I also understand you went on a photo-shoot for your senior pictures. That does not mean that for college you need to still have them up. I now can confirm that you only look good when photoshopped.

No picture:

Rapist, creeper, stalker, etc.[divider]

If you do not have a profile picture described above, chances are that you are in the clear. Now you will think twice about what kind of message you are trying to send out to your “friends”.

By: Jess Maples & CityBetch

  • Jwag6

    Dude in jean shorts is same guy in mirror picture? Not good


    So, like, the point of this article is to make the whole world normative, unaffected and desensitized, right? Awesome, like, we can totally lose our feelings forever, yay! 

  • Bear

    I don’t completely agree with the too little or too many friends one. If someone has less than 300 friends, they might actually be SELECTIVE (gasp) with whom they want to be friends with. And my rule of thumb is: (assuming person is not an athlete or important figure )  more than 1,000 friends on Facebook= 0 real friends in real life.

  • BB

    So wait, basically anyone who isn’t the author isn’t worthy of using Facebook? This post is overly judgmental, and actually downright rude. Some people don’t want everyone in the world to know their business, hence not having thousands of friends on Facebook. 

    I find it sad that people actually think this way; I think the article says more about the authors than it does about peoples’ Facebook profiles. 

  • Gypsy

    Oh, I’m such a creepy person for only having 93 friends on Facebook. This is the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever read. Get over your ego, dude.

  • Guest

    Wow, this is one of the most shallow, vapid pieces of blogspam I’ve seen in a while. Great job, you sound like a toolbox.

  • Guest

    “Why does he need a computer if he doesn’t use facebook?”

    This line alone made me realize what an incompetent fool the author is.  Remove this embarrassing article and spend some time bettering yourself.

  • Desk

    This article is ridiculously judgemental and shallow, and to top it off it’s written badly. Please do not write any more.

  • Burke

    FYI: These people leaving negative comments about your article are not “haters”.

    Jess Maples, if you’re willing to put your name on a published piece of writing, you should also be willing to ensure it’s worth publishing. The arrogant and ignorant tone of this article should be a red flag. I thought at first it was being used ironically. Imagine my disappointment.

    “CityBetch”, it speaks volumes about you that you choose to publish under a pseudonym – probably more than your Facebook page. Accountability can be a bitch. If you can’t bring yourself to publish under your actual name, maybe you should think about whether or not you’re proud of the things you publish.

    Both of you need to work on your basic writing skills (the difference between snarky sarcasm and passive-aggressive bitching, for example), and try to develop a voice that sounds less like “snotty sixth-grade princess” and more like “intelligent, humorous young adult with strong opinions”.

    Good luck.

  • Sahoon

    Every possible profile was described, about 499,990,000 of the 500 million users fall into one or more of these categories seriously. On a side note I thought this article was a piece of witty humor but was sadly mistaken, my 4 year old has wrote some shit apparently he could get published here since that’s the apparent quality you aim for.

  • Karineh

    you spend way too much time on Facebook. 

  • carol

    Wait, this wasn’t supposed to be a joke? This was intended as serious advice? Jeez, the shallowness of some people. 

  • http://www.silverpixiefly.com/ Silverpixiefly

    I can’t tell if this is a joke or if you need help. :-(

  • meowmers

    this is obviously intended as a joke. anyone ever hear of sarcasm?

  • 123

    This was terribly written and not funny at all. Your attempts at humor were desperate sad. I have never said this to someone before but never publish any of your writing ever again. It is terrible. Find something else to do with your time and leave the humor to people who are actually funny.

  • Srat

    Sahoon, why are you on CTL if you have a four year old child? Isn’t this site aimed towards traditional students? 

  • Guest

    Obviously this article was meant to be sarcastic, I don’t get why people are taking it so seriously. If you have read any other CTL articles, they are all very sarcastic. I thought this post was very funny, and (for the people reading this who are actually in college) very true. 

  • guest

    People who previously commented:

    You are all obviously offended because your Facebook posesses at least one of the aforementioned factors.  You are all socially retarded if you don’t agree with this article.  As shallow as you may think it is hipster wannabees, it’s real life. Ouch!  People are out there talking about how embarrassed they are for you when they see your profile.  Know your role.